Monday, March 12, 2012

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar (At The Kids).

You all knew it was International Women's Day recently, right? Well, it passed me right by.... no flowers, no breakfast in bed, not even a measly card. I know we shouldn't get too greedy - we have Mother's Day to look forward to, after all - but its not like the perks in this job are that ripe for the picking!

So, to all you women out there, especially those with small baggage in tow, this one is for you.

Ten Wonderful Things About Women:

1. The whole child bearing thing. This one goes without saying. Men, in the great scorecard of life, you are so far behind that it will take breakfast in bed EVERY DAY to make up for that one. And every time you use the word 'babysit' when referring to your own kids you start back at zero.

2. The ability to stand at the stove stirring at a constant speed, holding a bottle under your chin as you feed the whinging, clawing child on one hip, pondering why zebra's have stripes instead of spots, and why are they called zebras anyway, and no I don't think God painted them, but hey, who knows, and four-year-old could you please set the table, no three-year-old its not time for milk, oh for god's sake can you please clean up that mess, four-year-old I said set the table, no darling I do not know where your work phone is, oh hang on, I think I saw it in the washing basket, yes I am aware that it is not supposed to be washed, four-year-old I said SET the table not SIT on the table, yes, three-year-old I am quite sure zebras don't talk, yes I know Zigby talks but he is on TV, remember, we have talked about this, yes four-year-old I can see that you have wiped your bum properly, and maybe wipe the table too after you just sat on it with a bare bum, now can you stand up straight, hop out of the kitchen and dinner is served.

3. The ability to match an outfit to what last night's dinner might look like regurgitated all over your shoulder.

4. The ability to find exactly the right volume for exactly the right song in the car to suit everyone's very particular tastes.

5. The ability to prioritise attention giving by listening to each crying child's unique pitch, determining the level of importance and urgency, then drown out the noise whilst dealing systematically with each complaint. (This could also be phrased as: this ability to administer panadol to a crying infant while handing food to a whinging toddler at the same time as slotting Angelina Ballerina into the DVD player for the pre-schooler. And pouring a wine for oneself.)

6. The ability to overcome a fear of the dark and possible mugging in order to exercise at midnight as it is the only time left in the day after putting the kids to bed, washing the dinner dishes, making lunches and packing bags for the next day, folding washing and staring at Facebook for long enough to get that high pitch whining noise out of your ears.

7. The ability to frantically clean tidy the house from top to bottom throw everything into cupboards and find ingredients for a healthy (looking) meal in three minutes and fifteen seconds after your Aunty whose house is like a display home calls and tells you she is right around the corner, and do you mind if she drops in for lunch?

8. The ability to eBay (totally a verb). Who knew you could clothe an entire family for a year for just $14.57? Including shoes?

9. The ability to remember not only your kids' friends' names, but also their parents' names, where they live, where they work, how they fit into the town's social fabric and whether or not you want them to ever see your loungeroom the day before the cleaner comes.

10. Lastly, the knowledge that a sore knee gained from jumping off a top bunk and landing on their sister's shin bone will only be healed by a kiss in just the right spot, a little tickle under the arm and the magic word that only you know.

1 comment:

  1. Just finished neglecting my children... ahem... I mean reading your whole blog. :-) Awesome! And thought I might recommend this one too you: another 'mommy' blogger- but very funny and down to earth she has many of the same moments you and I both do. This is one of my very faves:
    And not a mom blogger but definitely comic relief for mums.. check out her 'best of' in the side bar. All the best, Gypsy